As I stumble throught the profiles of the other members of our wonderful community, I sometimes feel as if I am humbled by the great and wonderful things people are doing for themselves and others. I realize that any work, no matter how large or small impacts all things, but I struggle with how to do more.

I guess I just want to say to everyone out there,"Your doing an amazing job. The world is changing through you. I see it...I feel it."

In peace and love,

Lorraine

I walked into the planning meeting for a youth group I work with last night. As I entered the room I was pleasantly surprised to see several new faces among rag-tag group of 11-18 year old that are normally there. I love seeing the new faces, because it gives me hope and lets me know that the work I am doing is expanding by nothing more than through the youth I currently work with.

Not all, but most of these kids come from broken homes, many live well below the poverty line. They come searching for something they are not finding anywhere else. Much like the many of us who come to Zaadz. The rules of our group are simple: No drugs, No weapons, No electronics (this is so they stay focused),respect for everyone in the room, and safety first on any outing. If you can abide by those thing you are invited to join us.

The look I see on every new face reminds me of a deer in the headlights of a vehicle. We meet in the basement of a church, and for many this is the first time they have seen the inside of one. This in itself is rather unnerving to some ( I actually had a boy tell me that he couldn't come in the building because he didn't believe in God and was afraid that if there was a God the building would be destroyed because he was in it). I soothed him by letting him know that God didn't work that way and that I was sure he was not a threat to the rest of us. Once in the building the youth may find a familiar face, but most of the time they are looking at a room full of strangers. The youth are an array of honor roll students to ex-delinquents. We have class presidents and kids that go to reform school. Some of the children have seen severe abuse in there lives.

As you can see, this mixture is intimidating to a new comer. As we started the meeting, we discussed upcoming activities like; a winter camping trip, a backpacking trip, making a float for the Christmas Parade, spending the night at Laser Tag, and various other activities. As the evening progressed I pushed the new kids to join in and speak up. I told them how much their opinion mattered. As the evening progressed the fear began to recede. When it was time to leave everyone said they would be back, and I know most of them will.

On my way home I was reviewing our progress and got stuck on the transition that the youth go through on their first visit. They come in looking like deer in headlights, but leave with a comfortable feeling of belonging. It then accured to me that I am the headlights (or rather part of them) and what I do with that light can change the world. I can choose to go through live recklessly plowing down anything in my path, or I can slow down, guide others out of danger and then resume my journey to a better place. What a wonderful and awesome responsibility to be the headlights.

Wow, it has been almost 6 weeks since my last blog...where have I been? So many places; so much has been going on. I recently spent the weekend in Memphis, TN. The music and heritage festival was in full swing. What a wonderful event. For jazz and blues lovers, this was the place to be. Main street was an explosion of music. With stages set up on virtually every corner, the mix and flow of the music was magical. The bands, the singers, the rhythem, the soul...it was difficult to walk without feeling like you were floating on musical notes.

Music is woven into the fabric of my life. It is laughter and tears, memories and dreams, uplifting and depressing, spiritual and damning, all at once.  Sometimes fail to let it sooth me. But I will try harder, because I enjoy having music accompany me on my journey.

I am blessed to have you as a friend,

Lorraine

Tuesday was yesterday.
Where did it go?
I look in the mirror
And think that I know.

It woke with the sunshine
Bright shining on its face
Basked in the Glory
Of God's loving grace.

It then ventured out
To embrace the day.
Tackle all tasks;
Put problems at bay.

It hugged a child.
It comforted a friend.
It looked up at the clouds
And spread memories in the wind.

Tuesday grew weary
And lied down to rest.
Silent thanks sent to God,
And Tuesday was blessed.

Eyes drifting closed
As the moon guards the sky.
Tuesday is gone
And I still don't know why.

The smell of a sleeping child as they lie in your arms and you bend down to kiss their soft head. Knowing they depend on you for every thing they need to survive.

Surrounded by love, mother, father, children, friends...happiness abounds.

I was going to attempt to write a poem today, but the words would not come. I used to write all the time, but for two years now I have not been able to put my feelings into poetic form. Writers block? No. Emotional block? Yes. It is odd how one event in a person's life can change the way they think and feel so drastically.

Everything we go through, good or bad, is nothing more than stepping stone. Some steps take us further than others...some take us backward and we spend days, months, or in my case, two years catching back up. But the important thing is that I have caught back up. The pat two years by no means have been lost - I was able to explore a side of myself that I often ignore. I spent many hours reflecting on my past, understanding the present and creating dreams for my future. 

I am ready to move on now; ready to stop going throught the motions of life and begin living. 

Today will be a wonderful day. Why? Because I said so. I, and only I, determine what kind of day I will have.

 met liefde,

Lorraine

Someday I would like to write something really powerful. Not controlling or manipulative...just something that makes people go "wow, wish i would have thought of that" or "that is exactly how I feel, but could never put it into words." But for today, I will just write this short note and say, 'See ya later...it was fun!"

I am wrestling to release some uninterpreted feelings today. Mayby it is stress, but maybe it is nothing. I awoke with aheavy load on my mind this morning, and have not been able to shake it all day. Which may explain why I am finding it so hard to write this blog. I attempted to write this morning, but no words were to be found...and now this afternoon, I am in the same boat. I do not feel sad, yet I am far from happy. I am not depressed, but not at ease with my self either.

This should be a good day...work has been easy, I aced my Spanish test, and I was fortunate to have been able to help a friend in need.

I guess this is a day I am not meant to understand; a hard concept for me, but I will accept it.

The late frost has creates a sad picture out of the spring flowers I enjoy so much. My hosta leaves are drooping, the lilie shoots look lifeless, and all of the lilac blooms have dropped from the bush. The santuary that I have built for my self - a place to step away from the wold and meditate - has been damaged.

As I step back an look, a question comes to me, "Was this for you, or did you create this as a means to say, "Look what I did!"?" Looking into the forest that surrounds my home, I see that Mother Nature's work is barely disturbed, while mine rests in shambles - hers has always been so much more beatiful than mine, anyways. It occurs to me that I spend more time in the woods than in my yard. My flowers are a front. The real me lives in the beauty of the woods.

I have made the mistake of letting my ego mistake Grandiosity for grandeur. Accourding to A Course in Miracles, "Grandeur is of God, and only of him. Grandiosity is always a cover for despair." (ACIM, chap 9) The last two years of my lief have been an emotional struggle. Instead of handing my ego to God, I let it control me. My flowers were just one small way to mask the pain underneath. Not that flowers can't be sown for other reasons, but mine were planted as a mask.

My mask has been removed...now I must work on handing my ego over to something more powerful than myself. I am humbled by this. The nest time my flowers bloom, it will be in tribute to the grandeur of God, not as a mask of despair.